More Snape, With Feeling!
by Indigo Ziona
Summary: After a prank by Lavender and Parvati yes it's true, more info within and the help of Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Once more with feeling, Snape becomes a TV star. The author is not currently getting psychiatric help.
1. Goon Today, Heir Tomorrow

_Hi guys,  
Sorry it's been absolutely ages since I lasted posted anything HPish. I've already got three chapters of this fic so I'll be able to update this fairly soon, and I've even started writing OotP the Musical again! And might even re-upload Albus Dumbledore's Inbox!_

_I wrote this last year before Half-Blood Prince came out, and then JKR had the gall to write a book that totally ruined the fic. Never mind, eh? Since I spent so much time working on my beloved fic, I though I'd upload the first chapter anyway and see what you think. Obviously, no HBP spoilers. I don't even give away Blaise Zabini's gender._

_Disclaimer: Characters belong to J.K. Rowling. The music (not the words!) comes from Joss Whedon's "Once more with feeling", my favourite ever episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer._

**More Snape, With Feeling!**

**Chapter 1: Goon today, Heir tomorrow**

The trouble began after the first package from Fred and George Weasley. It contained little parcels for all their old friends - although most of these old friends were wise enough to leave their parcels alone. Lavender and Parvati, however, flattered that Fred and George even remembered them, let curiosity get the better of them and opened up their parcels.  
A number of different sweets and candies fell out. Most of them had familiar labels - Skiving Snackboxes were there, and so were Canary Creams. They also each had a little foil wrapped chocolate with a note attached.  
_This is a special chocolate we're importing from Brazil. Of course, normally we just sell our own stuff, but this could generate serious interest. It's known as an 'Instant Date' because the eater of it will suddenly become more witty, more charming, and somehow even more beautiful without changing at all.  
Whoever she then asks for a date will not be able to refuse. Tell us if you like it - F & G._  
"Well of all the... the cheek of it!" Lavender burst out. "As if we can't get boys on our own."  
"Eloise Midgen might have a use for it," Parvati said disdainfully. "But I certainly don't."  
They both went to lunch feeling distinctly offended.

---

Such things, however, prey on the mind. There was a Ravenclaw guy - Chaser in the Quidditch team - who was _gorgeous_. Parvati couldn't stop thinking about him - and if she didn't get a move on, Padma would get him first. And no matter what a girl did, she just couldn't let her sister get a boy before she did. And of course she was already attractive enough, of course she was much more interesting than Padma and obviously much more courageous, but Padma had the distinct advantage of not only being just as pretty as her, but also in Ravenclaw. And... well, the chocolate couldn't hurt, could it? Fred and George had said that she wouldn't really change at all. No one would know... not even Lavender.  
It wouldn't do any harm. She ate it when they'd finished lunch.

Lavender had a different problem, and it was in the shape of Seamus Finnigan. That boy really was terrible at getting his act together. After all the hints she'd dropped he still hadn't gotten any closer to realising that she fancied him. Why hadn't he asked her out? It couldn't be - oh it surely couldn't be - that he didn't find her attractive... The chocolate surfaced in her mind. She couldn't eat it... that would just be pathetic. On the other hand... Well, she only had one of them. The effect would probably wear out after a while... Surely it would. But it might last just long enough to persuade him that she was the one for him. And there was really no harm in that. She looked up and peeked at Seamus down the table. Why not? She ate the chocolate.

So Parvati had approached the Ravenclaw table, full of confidence, and invited the Ravenclaw chaser, Hank Baxter to Hogsmeade with her at the weekend. Hank had seemed taken aback, but had readily accepted. She couldn't wait to see the look on Padma's face!

And Lavender had boldly approached Seamus, smiled the smile she knew would be even more dazzling than ever, and asked _him_ to Hogsmeade. He agreed instantly. Ah, things were going well.

---

In their afternoon Potions lesson, neither girl could resist making particularly girly giggles. Everything just seemed so funny. How was it, for example, that Neville Longbottom was still doing Potions despite Snape being his self-confessed greatest fear? How was it that Harry hadn't yet done the decent thing and got contact lenses and huge muscles? Heroes were supposed to do that!  
And Snape. How could anyone find him frightening? He was so greasy, beaky and sarcastic. Lavender and Parvati didn't understand why they'd ever found him intimidating. They also couldn't understand why they'd wasted so much time following instructions. Snape had actually got them making furniture polish...

Lavender sniggered in a most ungirly fashion.  
"What?" Parvati asked.  
Lavender pointed to a page in another part of the textbook. "Look..."  
Parvati looked.

_Jelly Polish  
How to make polish that renders every wood or metal surface into a jelly-like consistency..._

The recipe that followed was rather close to that of the furniture polish. Parvati wondered why the recipe was so appealing. Normal furniture polish _was_ boring. Wobbly furniture definitely sounded like fun...  
They exchanged looks. Lavender went to grab the extra ingredients.

By some stroke of luck, the potion looked perfect by the end. Lavender doubled up her normal furniture polish for Parvati, and then they both saved some of the jelly polish. Snape was away from his seat, berating Neville as usual. Parvati grinned. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"  
"What?"  
Parvati nodded towards Snape's chair. Lavender handed her a brush.

As they reflected afterwards, it was truly amazing how Snape's chair had remained stable, right until the point at which he sat on it. It was also quite amazing how he sank slowly, not quite realising at first what was happening, then his calm expression turning to horror as he fell right back. The sound was also truly melodious, like a gong ringing, wavering around a pitch. The aftermath wasn't particularly nice - he'd given Lavender and Parvati detentions for giggling, and Harry and Ron detentions for apparently doing the dirty deed, but the two friends still could not stop laughing.

---

After the Jelly Polish, more and more ideas came. Lavender charmed Harry's glasses to make him appear cross-eyed. Parvati sneaked her Canary creams into the staff room. Lavender put a 'Kick me' sign on Filch's back. Parvati charmed Hermione's hair to stand on end. Pranks were so much fun! In the common room that evening, they reflected on the day they'd had.

"It's strange," Lavender said, "I never realised messing around was so much fun."  
"It has been weird. Still... You'll never guess what."  
"What?"  
"Hank's coming with me to Hogsmeade!"  
Lavender tried to share her friend's excitement, but handsome and intelligent Quidditch players just didn't match her sweet Irish lover boy (yeah, it had to be love). "That's great, Parvati! I'm going with Seamus!"  
"You asked him then?" Parvati queried.  
"Oh yes. Of course..." She chuckled. "I didn't need any _sweet_ to do it with."  
"Oh, me neither," Parvati said airily.

---

Monday became Tuesday, and Lavender and Parvati had a very fun Divination lesson. Professor Trelawney had strangely become very boring recently, but it was such fun to write long and ridiculous horoscopes that involved baguettes, boys called Hilary, poodles and feta cheese. Lavender, however, became concerned.  
"Parvati?"  
"And then the aliens will abduct your feta cheese and carve it into a poodle shape, which will be revered as a god by all Aries Hufflepuffs... Sorry, what?"  
"We've got three detentions already. What are we going to do?"  
"Amazon women armed with sharpened baguettes will plunder your cottage... I don't know."  
"It'll go on our permanent record."  
"Our permanent record doesn't seem to matter that much anymore, you know?" Parvati said. Lavender had to admit that she agreed, but this was slightly disturbing.  
"Parvati... Don't you think we've been acting weirdly lately?"  
"The moon in the eighth house foretells that your wasp infestation will turn nasty and start demanding room service... Yes a little, I suppose. Isn't Hilary a really silly name for a boy?"  
"Like Blaise," Lavender said. "Is Blaise a boy's name? You didn't happen to eat anything in that parcel Fred and George sent us, did you?"  
Parvati went tight lipped. "No, no, why do you ask? Did you eat anything from it, Lavender?"  
"Er... No, of course not," Lavender said hurriedly. There was a silence.  
"You ate the chocolate, didn't you," Lavender accused, suddenly. Parvati was indignant.  
"No, of course not!" She looked at her friend. "You ate it, didn't you!"  
Lavender went pink. "No! Why would I? I can ask Seamus out without a chocolate!"  
They looked at each other grimly.  
"They tricked us," Parvati said.  
"Yeah, they did... Who can help us now?"

---

There is only one person who can help you in such a situation.

"Hello Hermione," Lavender said brightly. Hermione stared at Parvati uneasily, as she had only just restored her hair to its usual state. "Tell me you haven't just graduated from the Alfonso Cuaron school of Hairdressing."  
"I'm sorry about that," Parvati said. "I really am." Actually it had been hilarious but a little insincerity would probably help their cause.  
"We've been tricked," Lavender said, getting to the point. "Fred and George did something to us, and now we've been acting..."  
"Like Fred and George," Parvati completed.  
"How strange!" Hermione said. Her eyes lit up at the chance of having an intellectual challenge. "I'll go to the library."

She returned an hour later, and placed an obscure potion book down in front of them.  
"It's an Intellectual Heir Potion."  
"A what?" Parvati asked.  
Hermione put on her most intelligent face. "It was created by Daius X Makina in the seventeenth century. It requires bicorn horn, Doxy teeth, and a drop of the maker's blood... Essentially, Lavender and Parvati..."  
"What?"  
"You are acting like Fred and George... Because you _are_ Fred and George."  
Parvati recovered first. "What!"  
"But we're still us," Lavender cried.  
"I know," Hermione said. "But the point of the potion is to inspire someone to finish the work you started - in the case of Fred and George, being pranksters. You can't help but act like them because they've put themselves into you."  
"Yuck," Parvati said. "So how long does it last?"  
"Until you've left Hogwarts, I'm afraid," Hermione said.  
"But why us?" Lavender despaired.  
"Maybe because we're uninteresting peripheral characters, and the series really isn't the same without Fred and George?" Parvati suggested.  
A passing Hufflepuff prefect looked at them sternly. "No romantic irony in the corridors!"  
Lavender picked up the potions book ("A Portfolio of Perplexing and Potent Potions" by Daius X Makina). She flicked through it and her face lit up.  
"Parvati... I have a plan..."

---

"The Sound of Music!" Lavender burst out.  
"No." Parvati was firm.  
"What about the Pirates of Penzance?"  
"I really don't want to have him spitting everywhere trying to pronounce 'I am the very model of a greasy hook-nosed psychopath'..."  
"That's really quite good."  
"Nothing rhymes with psychopath," Parvati insisted. "But I do have an idea..."

Parvati and Lavender had discovered some more of Makina's Perplexing and Potent Potions. In order to get revenge on Snape for the twenty-four detentions they had amassed during the last three days, Lavender had discovered the astoundingly improbable Musical Moments Potion.  
"Essentially," Hermione explained, "It induces the subject to express their deepest thoughts in song, meaning that music accompanies them wherever they go."  
Parvati and Lavender both looked extremely perplexed.  
"Hermione," Lavender said, "How did you get here?"  
"Sorry," Hermione said. "It's just you needed an intelligent explanation."  
"Please go away whilst we're discussing out plans," Lavender said politely. Hermione left.  
They had to pick a musical. After long arguments, despite the fact that they were both purebloods who'd never watched Muggle television, they decided on the obvious choice. It would have to be Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Once more with Feeling.  
Yeah, I know that's not logical.

---

Severus Snape was in a state of angst even more heightened than usual. He had to face it - he was bored. The Dark Lord was making him do more unspecified diabolical acts, the Slytherins he was supposed to be favouring were being annoying, and he just couldn't get over his crush on Hermione Granger. There was no doubt about it - he couldn't go on. He had to get out.

In his sixth year NEWTs class (why on earth was Neville Longbottom still in that class?) he was actually struggling to maintain his usual composure. For one thing, there seemed to be some kind of music playing somewhere. For another, apart from Brown and Patil, he was having trouble finding reasons to take points from Gryffindors... And he'd cracked and given every single Slytherin apart from Blaise Zabini, the androgynous quiet one, a T in their last test.

Brown and Patil were giggling. He heard Brown whisper, "It's going through the motions!"

How strange.

Before he knew it, he'd begun to sing. He actually had a rather nice baritone. Who'd have thought?  
_"Every single year, the same dull students  
I have to try to enlight  
Still I always feel they're just a nuisance  
As for Crabbe and Goyle, they can hardly write  
I can't make the news for boiling brews  
That nobody can use_

But I'm stuck here teaching potions  
It's always been my part  
When do I get Defence Against Dark Arts?"

They were all staring at him, but he just couldn't stop. And for some reason, some Slytherins were dancing in the back row.

_"I was always cold and quite sarcastic  
Now I find I'm weakening  
Longbottom's attempts are all craptastic  
Why even begin?"_

Longbottom contributed, _"It's got lumpy bits in."_

_"Just shove it in the bin!"_

The Slytherins started to sing.  
_"He would scrub the floors with Gryffindors  
But now this torture bores_

Snape is tired of teaching potions  
And tests aren't what they were..."

Malfoy started. He had a stupid, weedy, girly voice. Hah!

_"We're not scoring quite as well as..."_  
He looked at his test paper, and saw the 'T'.  
_"Sir!"_

Snape found himself pleading out loud.  
_"Will I teach this stuff forever?  
Telling Malfoy's boy he's clever?_

Dumbledore appeared out of nowhere.  
_"Severus, please stay!"_  
_"Not ever!  
I don't want to be..."_ It was time for a grand finale.  
_"Stuck here teaching potions  
Losing my skin tone  
Albus can't you see  
This teaching isn't me  
Why don't you all leave me alone!"_

He stopped. What on earth had just happened to him? He hated singing! He hated dancing! He hated stupid made-up words like "craptastic"! And where had Dumbledore come from? Brown and Patil were looking smug, for some reason.  
He ran out of the room.

------

_Please Review!_


	2. Snape's a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here

_Disclaimer: Characters belong to J.K. Rowling. The music (not the words!) comes from Joss Whedon's "Once more with feeling", my favourite ever episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer._

_The song Snape sings in a potions lesson in this chapter is to the tune of "Walk through the fire"._

**More Snape, With Feeling!**

**Chapter 2: Snape's a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here**

In a distant office, some people were discussing an exciting new invention.  
"It's like a Wizard Wireless," the small man excitedly exclaimed. "Only it transmits pictures!"  
"Amazing!"  
"Brilliant!"  
"What's it called?"  
His face fell. "I thought maybe we could come up with something. Possibly a mixture of Greek and Latin, like with spells."  
The one Muggleborn in the room spoke up. "What about television?"  
The small man continued. "Something meaning distant, like... I don't know..."  
"Tele," someone else suggested.  
"And then, something implying that you look at it. Telepicture? Telesight?"  
"Television," the Muggleborn repeated.  
"Telescreen?"  
"What about television?" said the beautiful buxom blonde.  
"Excellent!"  
"And we need ideas for programmes. Quidditch, obviously, but what else?"  
"I have an idea... What about depicting 'real life'? We could see how people act and behave in every day situations!"  
"Maybe we could shut them up in a house and make them do pointless challenges?" the Muggleborn said sarcastically.  
"Hmm," murmured the small man. "For once, that's actually a good idea. Or maybe we could follow people round, like teachers at Hogwarts maybe?"  
"What a wonderful idea," said the blonde. As usual, everyone was overwhelmed by her amazing personality and intellect.

---

The invention of television took the wizarding world by storm. Dumbledore was soon approached about the possibility of following around people in Hogwarts armed with television cameras, or a "reality television show" as they called it in the trade.  
Dumbledore was anxious for Severus - his Potions Master hadn't been the same since that little musical outburst the day before. On the other hand, perhaps this little distraction might help him recover from his most recent bout of depression. Hmm. This being Severus, meta-depression might be a better term.

---

Parvati and Lavender were excited. Despite having so many detentions that by rights they shouldn't even have been allowed to go to the bathroom, they were going to Hogsmeade that weekend! No less than with Hank and Seamus!  
They took their respective dates to all the normal places. Lavender listened to Seamus's dreamy Irish accent and fluttered when he bought her a Butterbeer. Parvati listened to Hank's utterly thrilling Quidditch stories... well, actually she didn't. She was thinking up more pranks - or perhaps 'wheezes' was a better term? Because Hank's presence didn't seem all that exciting anymore. When they got to the Three Broomsticks, Lavender and Seamus were practically snogging. It just wasn't fair. Seamus wasn't good looking, he wasn't very smart and Parvati could hardly make out what he was saying. It so wasn't fair that Lavender was having a better time. Oh well, she thought, I haven't put a potion in anyone's drink since the Musical Moments Potion in Snape's coffee. And that was a whole two days ago.  
It turned out Hank really was much more interesting when he could only converse in a variety of animal sounds. Somehow, though, he didn't seem too enthusiastic about meeting up again. Unless that was a happy pig grunt. You couldn't tell with pig noises.  
I wish Angelina was here, Parvati thought. Then she winced.  
No, you're not Fred Weasley. Stop it!

On the way back from Hogsmeade, they were briefly distracted by Snape, yelling loudly in Honeydukes at an incompetant shop assistant.  
"It may look yellow, and it may be sweet, but..." The music swelled. Oh dear. The mustard.  
_"That's not a custard tart!"_  
They found themselves singing in response, _"That's not a custard tart!"_. Although Hank ended up braying like a donkey.

---

On Monday, there was an announcement that stunned the entire school. They were going to be part of the first wizard television programme! A reality show.  
"I bet it won't be as good as 'I'm a survivor, get my big brother out of here'," Lavender remarked.  
"To be fair, that got dull after the seventeenth series," Parvati said.  
Professor Snape was distraught. As if it wasn't enough that he was getting fed up of teaching and that he was randomly bursting into song without explanation, he was going to be followed around by morons with television cameras. Why did he agree to these things?  
In the first lesson they were filming (with his sixth year NEWTs class - didn't he teach anyone else nowadays?) he had just managed to give their next essay title and give them a suitably fiddly potion to make, when it happened again.  
He had a burst of sudden doubt. Not even Slytherins appreciated him nowadays. Even the cameramen looked bored. Could it possibly be that not only was he a reluctant teacher, but also a bad one? And then, just when he thought it couldn't get worse, he started to sing.

_"I can't inspire, it uneases me  
I look at Goyle's and it's black  
Longbottom squeals - those beetles should be peeled  
This class is direly slack _

Now cauldrons smoke, they call to me  
Always simpering my name  
Not worth the pay  
The cauldrons melt away  
It's Potter who's to blame

And so of Potions I tire  
But where else can I turn?  
This work can't inspire  
They'll never-"

He broke off abruptly in horror. The cameramen looked particularly interested now. A stupid, weedy voice took over. Draco Malfoy again.

_"This potions work is boring me  
Snape is barking mad, no doubt  
Why even try? These potions I can buy  
But he can't see me pout _

Because it's fun I desire  
This Potions work I spurn  
It just won't inspire  
I'll never-"

Malfoy broke off too. He was also rather horrified at the people staring at him.

But Snape couldn't stop himself.

_"What is with that smug girl, Granger?  
Countless essays just won't faze her  
The Gryffindor's tenacity is rare"_

And then Potter started to complain!

_"Snape says this must be repeated  
Didn't add some thing I needed  
I'm just too fed up with this to care"_

Then the entire class!

_"We'll make this brew just like we always have to do  
So we will stoke up the fire..."_

One of the television people darted up to him eagerly. "What is it like, teaching NEWTs at Hogwarts?"

He replied, of course, in song.

_"Those dunderheads ignoring me  
Forget that spleen should be kept cold  
This course they chose  
But not one of them knows  
They never can be told."_

Then everyone started piping up...

_"Snape's a cruel Death Eating wizard."  
"Have you any dragon's gizzard?"  
"Why's my potion turning out so dark?"  
"He's greasy, mean and quite depressing,"_ Dean Thomas confided in the television presenter.  
_"Unemployment's such a blessing,"_ Snape retorted.  
_"His bite is surely much worse than his bark,"_ squeaked Neville Longbottom.

Snape protested, as their potions once again started to spontaneously combust.

_"My teaching days they are destroying with a blaze!"_

But the class had the response ready.

_"And we are starting a fire  
This potions work to burn  
And we will stoke up the fire  
We'll never learn  
Never learn  
Never learn  
Never learn!"_

"Awesome," Lavender whispered, as the last notes of "Walk through the fire" faded out.

---

Later on, Lavender and Parvati served their detentions in a state of shock. Not only had the new invention of 'television' proved successful in the wizarding community, but all anyone could talk about on it was Snape!  
And Snape himself was sitting watching it, whilst they cleaned the dungeon.

"Of course, the Slytherins are always great entertainment - just look at the prank the third years pulled on Professor Flitwick - but the most fascinating of all has to be their head, Professor Cerberus Snape." A man in his mid-forties was talking. The words "Thelonius Gripe, Author of 'Slytherin: A history of cunning' " flashed up at the bottom of the screen.  
"That's Severus," someone corrected from off-screen.  
"Severus. Of course," said Gripe. "In today's episode, Severus stunned everyone by bursting into song in his sixth year NEWTs lesson."  
The screen flashed to a clip of Snape singing "My teaching days they are destroying with a blaze!" Then Celestina Warbeck - looking frightfully made-up for her first appearance on television (she was a harpy who was not exactly renowned for her good looks) appeared on screen and joined in the praise of Snape.  
"Well, he's a perfect baritone, I must say. If he ever got bored of teaching, I'm sure a career in singing would be on the cards."  
Back to Thelonius Gripe. "And that sarcasm! He was heard to tell a nervous Hufflepuff that a chipmunk with seven fingers missing and St Vitus' Dance could do better."  
"We haven't heard such remarks since Simon Cowell jumped ship," commented Rita Skeeter. "Perhaps journalism would suit him better..."  
"Thanks for your comments," said another man, who appeared to be presenting. "Let's ask the audience what they thought..."

He turned to a number of people sitting in auditorium style seats, and thrust his microphone into the face of the first girl he saw. "And what did you think?"  
"Snape's sooo dreamy," she murmured. In the dungeon, Lavender and Parvati collapsed into hysterics. Snape turned around and thundered, "SILENCE!"... then turned back even more avidly to see his first fan being interviewed.  
"He's obviously totally misunderstood. He's so over-qualified for his job, Dumbledore should have given him deputy-headship at least... or he should even stand down and make him headmaster!"  
"And what about Snape's tendency to employ withering sarcasm on everyone he meets?"  
"They ask for it," the girl said. "They should be grateful for his teaching..."  
Parvati glanced around to see Snape nodding vigorously.

"What have we done?" she mouthed to Lavender.

---

The next day, the school was in uproar. Everyone had seen the television broadcast - Dumbledore had installed a television in every common room. And nearly everyone had watched a nauseating half-hour documentary entitled "Snape's Slytherin Childhood" in which hordes of famous Slytherins went on about how hard it was to survive in their house and how Snape must have turned to sarcasm in self-defence. A number of people also said Snape would have been better suited to Defence against the Dark Arts, and a shockingly large number of women in their early twenties claimed they found Snape sexy. While Gryffindor mocked this new-found adulation (Lavender and Parvati skipped breakfast so they could stick up a large picture of Snape doing a John Travolta style dance, with the caption _Greasy_) the Hufflepuffs intermingled fear with respect, the Ravenclaws looked at Snape with a new interest, and the Slytherins...

The Slytherins were merchandising.

It was disgusting. Snape sweaters, snape baseball caps, Snape t-shirts and apparently Snape's own love potion. Certain students wasted no time in remarking that Snape was the last person you could trust if you wanted to learn how to attract people. The stall had been set up in a wide corridor by the Great Hall, and was being run by Pansy, Millicent, and Blaise, who was quietly taking the accounts. Pansy and Millicent were singing a song that sounded rather like the parking ticket song from _Once more with feeling_. Blaise wasn't singing, which was a shame because neither Lavender or Parvati had yet worked out what gender Blaise was.

_"Everything must go!  
A whole collection of Snape-ware,  
A Potions Master teddy bear,  
Some photographs that are quite rare,  
A book of Snapey's tales of woe,  
Some chocolate Snapes - too good to share,  
And some exclusive underwear,  
Just seven Sickles for a pair."_

The enterprising team were discovered a few seconds later by Professor Snape, who peered down his beaky nose at their various wares.  
The three girls/two girls and one boy (delete as appropriate) trembled for a moment as he glared at them.  
"So," he began, softly, "What percentage of the profits were you planning on giving to me?"  
They looked at each other for a moment.  
"Twenty," Blaise said, candidly. The (other?) two girls cringed.  
"Just twenty?" Snape said, dangerously.  
"Oh no, Professor," Pansy said hurriedly.  
"Thirty, then," Blaise said shortly.  
"For this..." Snape cast a both distasteful and approving glance over the Snape-wares... "I would expect at least fifty. Is that clear?"  
"Yes, Professor," chorused his three students. Snape stalked off. Millicent immediately turned on Blaise.  
"You moron, why did you say twenty?"  
Blaise simply shrugged his/her/its shoulders. "Can you imagine what we'd have ended up giving him if I'd said fifty?"

---

Hogwarts had a visitor a few days later. I presume he came on the Hogwarts Express, if indeed the Hogwarts Express runs at any other times than at the beginning and end of terms. Speaking of which, has anyone written a fic called, "Murder on the Hogwarts Express"? It'd be great.

The visitor came in a smart suit, carrying a briefcase. His name was John Smith. It really was - his parents, Peter and Mary Smith, had christened him after the great wizard John Csikszentmihalyi-Anastopolous. John Smith occasionally signed his name John C.A. Smith, when he was feeling exotic. When the visitor arrived, Dumbledore didn't even bother asking what he came for, but sent him straight to Professor Snape's office. Indeed, the other teachers only exist as briefly sketched peripheral characters in this fic, so there was no point pretending that anyone who visited during term time was there for anything other than talking to Snape.

Smith knocked on Snape's door, and Snape opened it warily.  
"Ah, Professor Snape, I presume?"  
"Was it the inscription on my door, or the fact that I have been featured in every single 'television programme' as yet made, that gave away my identity?" Snape asked his visitor.  
John Smith missed the sarcasm. He had been given a sarcasm inoculation by his employers before going to work with Snape, and as such, would be immune to any cruel remarks which would inevitably come his way.  
"Both - and the directions given by Professor Dumbledore," Smith said. "My name is John Smith... And I've come to offer my services as your agent."  
Snape frowned. "Agent of what? Oxidising agent? Reducing agent? Agent of despair?"  
Smith didn't bat an eyelid. "None of these. Your agent."  
"You can't be an agent in the abstract," Snape said coolly. This was the sort of thing he often said when not in the classroom. The abuse he'd suffered within his family at a young age had been almost entirely due to his annoying habit of pointing out the prepositions his parents had ended sentences with. Actually it wasn't so much abuse as deprivation of his Young Potions Maker Kit.  
"No, Professor - _your_ agent. The agent of you. World without Snape - enter agent of Snape. Reaction. Gives world with Snape. Comprenas?"  
"Don't you mean comprena? In any case, Mr. Smith, or Agent Smith, or whatever you want to call yourself-" Smith started sniggering "-In case you haven't noticed, I've been dubbed the first television celebrity, and countless women are already sending me items of underwear by owl post. What they expect me to do with them I have no idea - most of them aren't in my size."  
"Right," Smith said. "That's great... except you can have so much more. Fame, fortune, women, fast broomsticks..."  
"Not interested," Snape snapped.  
"You could even quit your job as a Potions Master."  
Snape stopped. He wondered if Smith had slipped something in his coffee, because he suddenly had the urge to kiss him. In a manly kind of way, naturally.  
"Please go on," he said, cracking his mouth into a leer - which was the closest he usually got to smiling.  
"Well... you're so very popular now, but your immense talent is rather... raw. We can refine it. Focus it. Earn you money."  
It was tempting. Snape had made quite a lot of money already from selling the ladies' undergarments on Magi-Bay, and then there were the merchandising sales, but...  
"I'll do it," he said.

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